Yesterday, I scheduled the tentative date for my second surgery. Unfortunately, the section of skull hit was too damaged to re-use. So I’ll pretend that it’s super cool that I get a “new” piece of skull made. I’ll be the bionic woman! …Right.
A little under a month from now, I should be done with the surgery if everything goes well. This is a great opportunity and exactly what I was hoping for.
But, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified, as well. I’m so terrified about any further damage to the speech area of my brain. I’ve worked so hard these past few weeks to make progress. Even though the goal is NOT to touch my brain – well, I’m nervous.
So – I’ve been thinking quite a bit since yesterday. The way I see it, I have three options.
1) Find a bubble. Live in it forever. No surgery!
2) Ignore the bubble. Skip surgery! Never ride again, or do anything else fun or remotely risky.
3) Have the surgery. Be scared. Accept the risk – and also, the reward – ride, stop fretting some lady is going to hit me in the head with her purse when I out, go down a Slip n’ Slide, ride a roller coaster, what have you.
Only one of those options seems feasible.
Thinking about being nervous about this next big step sort of reminds me of the first time I talked again out in public. Sure, it’s “easy” talking to Paul or to my friends and speech therapist. But talking to someone new? It was (and can still be) intimidating.
Naturally, I started to wonder how many times we hide from what we really NEED because we’re scared or it’s hard. How many times do you hide behind your speech disorder because it’s easier to let someone speak for you? How many times do we let the opportunity to better ourselves pass us by because we’re used the way it’s always been?
If a doctor told you that you’d never, ever get better after a certain period of time – would you accept it? Or would you seek another opinion and keep trying?
Just some things to think about. Sometimes, there is no way around the greatest risk we face. That might constitute talking when we’re scared of saying the wrong thing. Or it could be facing a new procedure that scares you. It’s hard not to know the outcome in advance.
No one does though – know the outcome in advance. Do it anyway (thanks, Ben Folds Five!).